I got my graduation pictures today. They were horrible. I look like a clown. You think I’m just saying that? Well I’m not. My lips are so weirdly coloured. Never wearing lipstick again. I’m not even smiling properly, I’m wincing. I look ugly. My dad had a go at me for not putting make-up on properly. He says the girls at his school know how to put make-up on properly so why don’t I know. My mum was convinced we got the wrong pictures. I look disgusting. I’m tired of looking ugly. They both implied it. Hell my own father pretty much shunned those pictures. I hate them, I wanted to throw them away. But they were expensive and paid for. While everyone else will have them framed I’ll have them stuffed in the corner of a wardrobe. As if they’re ashamed of me. As if I’m ashamed of myself. I hate this feeling. I feel shallow but I just wanted one nice reminder of my graduation. I thought they would have looked nice at least. I don’t want to be that ugly girl anymore.
My mum says I’m having a strop. I wish they all knew that it wasn’t about the photos. It never was, they’re just the trigger to all the other crap that’s been going on. For example my dad telling me my plans in life are pointless and I’ll never be able to make it happen. Why don’t I dress and look nicer?
In fact the photos mean nothing to me. I know a lot of people’s graduation pictures never came out great. I just wanted to be told by my own parents that it was ok. And not only about the pictures but about the way my life is going right now. I just want one person to tell me that I’ll find my way and that they believe in me. Sappy? Yes I know. But after 21 years of being brought down, I want this. I normally get along with my mother so well, she normally knows what I feel like. Today I admit I did it wrong, I focussed so much on the photos that I made it seem like they were why I was so upset. But in actuality I was, I am upset about the whole crappy week. I wish I put that forward more. I wish I showed her that. I wish she saw it herself.
Life is full of those crappy days where all you want to do is change into your pyjamas, go to bed and not come out for a day. This week I’ve begun something I hate, it’s unchallenging and slow, I’ve been put down every day because of the way I’ve decided to live and plan my life and I have really bad graduation pictures. See, it’s not all shallow. But as my friend says, people put us down all the time, don’t let them win. Fight for what you want and prove them wrong, and if you can’t get what you want, at least you can say you tried. I wish the people who say the horrible words to me can see how they make me feel without me having to physically show them. Just like I wish I don’t build up all my thoughts until I crack under the trigger of photos. I’ll just fight harder.
Thank god for best friends who help you off the (metaphorical) ledge.
My mum says I’m having a strop. I wish they all knew that it wasn’t about the photos. It never was, they’re just the trigger to all the other crap that’s been going on. For example my dad telling me my plans in life are pointless and I’ll never be able to make it happen. Why don’t I dress and look nicer?
In fact the photos mean nothing to me. I know a lot of people’s graduation pictures never came out great. I just wanted to be told by my own parents that it was ok. And not only about the pictures but about the way my life is going right now. I just want one person to tell me that I’ll find my way and that they believe in me. Sappy? Yes I know. But after 21 years of being brought down, I want this. I normally get along with my mother so well, she normally knows what I feel like. Today I admit I did it wrong, I focussed so much on the photos that I made it seem like they were why I was so upset. But in actuality I was, I am upset about the whole crappy week. I wish I put that forward more. I wish I showed her that. I wish she saw it herself.
Life is full of those crappy days where all you want to do is change into your pyjamas, go to bed and not come out for a day. This week I’ve begun something I hate, it’s unchallenging and slow, I’ve been put down every day because of the way I’ve decided to live and plan my life and I have really bad graduation pictures. See, it’s not all shallow. But as my friend says, people put us down all the time, don’t let them win. Fight for what you want and prove them wrong, and if you can’t get what you want, at least you can say you tried. I wish the people who say the horrible words to me can see how they make me feel without me having to physically show them. Just like I wish I don’t build up all my thoughts until I crack under the trigger of photos. I’ll just fight harder.
Thank god for best friends who help you off the (metaphorical) ledge.